How to Tell People They are Wrong

By Michael Mooney, Ministry Practitioner

 

 

Let’s face it, there is no fun in correcting people or telling them that they are wrong about something… However, if you are in ministry, or especially a pastor, you are bound to have to do it sometime.  Consider the following words of wisdom:

 

“People ask you for criticism but they only want praise” -Somerset Maugham

“The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation” -Dale Carnegie

 

Consider this Biblical example:

 

So the LORD sent Nathan to David. Nathan came to him and said, “There were two men in a certain city. One was rich, and the other was poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cows, but the poor man had only one little female lamb that he had bought. He raised her, and she grew up in his home with his children. She would eat his food and drink from his cup. She rested in his arms and was like a daughter. “Now, a visitor came to the rich man. The rich man thought it would be a pity to take one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler. So he took the poor man’s lamb and prepared her for the traveler.” David burned with anger against the man. “I solemnly swear, as the LORD lives,” he said to Nathan, “the man who did this certainly deserves to die!  And he must pay back four times the price of the lamb because he did this and had no pity.” “You are the man!” Nathan told David. “This is what the LORD God of Israel says… (2Sa 12:1-7).

 

In the above passage of scripture we see a brilliant method of communicating a negative message. God told Nathan to go and tell the king that he was an adulterer. David could have shouted “off with his head”! But notice that Nathan told him that he was wrong in the form of a story.

 

 

Speaking from personal experience, I never met a person who really appreciated my telling them that they were wrong. Maybe a wise person “should” appreciate correction, but there is a vast difference between the way things “should” be and the way things “are”.  It is better to live and communicate in reality than in a world of ideals.

 

For this reason, communicating a word of fault or correction to people is easier done in the form of a story.  Jesus did this all the time in parables.  Stories allow people to separate themselves (and their egos) from the dissonance associated with correction.  They allow people to step outside of their own personal involvement and view the situation more objectively.  When this approach is used, you also protect yourself from being the “mean nasty person” or the target of the other person’s anger.

 

However, there is one more word of instruction. Nathan specifically told David that he was the object of the story. This is because God told him to do this.  Contrarily, Jesus rarely ever associated a specific person or group to his parables.  Jesus’ example will often prove the best way of using this technique.

 

 

4 thoughts on “How to Tell People They are Wrong”

  1. I came to this article because our church needs to eliminate our janitors position, which has been a paid position for the past 15 years.  I just became the pastor a year ago and when going over the budget for 2021 I noticed that we were paying $150 a week to our janitors!!  I couldn't believe we were paying this budgeted amount!!  We are a small congregation of just 35-40 people and $600 a month is an unbelievable amount to be paying a couple to sweep, dust, clean bathrooms and take out the trash!!  When we approached them at our last board meeting they got rather heated over this and couldn't seem to see that this was wrong of them to be getting paid this amount when they honestly only put in about an hour each week.  We are having another leadership committee meeting this Sunday and my hope is that we will eliminate this position completely or at least make it a more manageable amount of $30 a week for their time since they seem to believe that they "Deserve" to be paid.  I'm asking for prayers that this couple will be more understanding that what they are being paid is greatly inflated and they won't leave the church over this.

    • Honestly, the congregation cleans God’s church we serve in. Pastors for sure, if we expect our kids to clean up after themselves than why shouldn’t we as sons and daughters of Christ? As the royal priesthood?

      It sounds like the elders and members need to step it up and save some money while doing it. I’ll do whatever the Lord tells me to do joyfully; WETHER clean toilets, vacuum, or preach… it’s all for his glory🔥

      Much Love In Christ Home Boy

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